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Dear Morrie and Jane,


I am really regretting the fact that I changed my tip from Richmond to St Kilda, feels like I am betraying Sam in some way. I make ultimatums, I have since Canada. For example, if I tip Richmond then it shows my commitment to me and Sam and that we will start communicating better, it means our problems of late will disappear. I know this is ridiculous, and logic kicks in and I tip St Kilda - but I can't shake the thought. That's why I have started this: firstly because I had to start writing my issues down as advised by you Morrie, you know, to prevent "depersonalisation" happening again, secondly because of you Jane, to get things out of my mind and to somewhere else. Anyway, back to the ultimatums, there are a few examples I remember from childhood (1) if I didn't say "pardon" or "sorry" after didn't someone  I would end up in hell, because at some point I would have told mum that I would say this, thus resulting in a lie and therefore, according to the almighty, I'd end up in hell. (2) If dad didn't come home when he was suppose to I would need to hold my breath and stare at some blue sky and say "the chance of anything bad happening is very minimum" - and only then would dad not end up dead and he'd be just help up at work, but it had to be blue or clear sky - or there'd be trouble. The last one I remember at this point (3) is that if I folded my lips together again, someone in my family would die... this is the only way I could break this habit, I still can't bring myself to do it to this day. I know these things point to anxiety issues: there were more ridiculous things I did. But at the time I just thought I was a chosen one who had the burden and responsibility of keeping my surrounding universe together. But of course, then logic kicked in, and I tipped St Kilda.


I am a big picture person, I struggle to see how anyone could be anything else. I guess the same way that people can't see how I can miss some seemingly unimportant details. Example 1: I'll wear a top if it has a small stain - because it is about the whole outfit, Example 2: I am a terrible proof reader. Example 3: I'll value my achievements by what I have done in one year, not one day, I guess that's why I stress about running out of time. If you stand too far back, the chunks of time become bigger, and move faster, you end up righting days off, then weeks and then (you guessed it) you are old and wondering why the fuck you were in such a rush. Time is shit. So constant, always mocking you. You can't argue with it, or control it. It's the train that never runs out of fuel, keeps going even when you stop to take a breath, it pushes on without you. Leaving you trying so hard to get back on. I experienced watching this train first hand. As it moved past I could see things inside the train moving along as normal, there was Sam, I knew I should and have loved him, and I did love the idea of him, but the connection was broken, because he was on the train and I wasn't. Other faces popped up, I knew them all, I grouped them all into the "people" basket. I could have thrown a rock at the train... in an attempt to get them to notice that I wasn't on it. But that would have damaged things, by how much, I'm not sure, I was together enough to know not to take that risk. So I threw a rock at myself. It seemed logical at the time. I don't think you Morrie understand how this made it harder to get back on the train, because it damaged me, confirmed me as someone or something different, that didn't have a spot on the train with the un-rock-damaged "people".
I am back on now. Although close to the door and slightly damaged by the rock I threw at myself, but the important thing is that I am back on board... trying to explain my absence to Sam and Mallory.


Meanwhile, Richmond are winning. Fuck.


M.M. xox