At first I was sad and then I was interested

To Morrie and Jane,


I am ashamed of myself. This isn't an unfamiliar feeling but that doesn't make it any less powerful. I don't deserve the people I have around me. Poor Mallory, she shouldn't have to deal with me when I am at my worst. Nether should Sam. Although I am not happy with him at the moment - a cloud surrounds us. I can't get through to him. Here are the things that he has said to me recently:

• sometimes I wish I was single
• you're a fat slut
• I looked after you a lot better when you were sick
• better hope I don't get hit by a car on my way home (drunk)
• you cut yourself for attention (drunk)
• she probably wouldn't have thought I would be with someone with that ugly (after some girl looked me up and down at the chemist)
• you just have to take the good with the bad

That last one was after I asked him to stop being mean to me. He says he is sick. I ask why he has to take it out on me? No one else bares witness to this side of him. I call it the "annoying mood" when he is like this, the words hurt, he knows exactly what to say to upset me. It is his goal, he won't stop until I have been broken. Most of the time there is an apology after the mood. But last time there wasn't - I have to take the good with the bad. 


I don't blame him for this, I have put him through so much. I am the reacher - he is the settler in the relationship. I don't know were to go to from here though - because I can't let go of some of those things this time - or maybe I never have let go of previous taunts? We established something last time he was extra awful. He apologised and said that he is depressed and he wants to punish himself, so he drinks a dangerous amount and then attacks me, as I am the closest thing to him, therefore attacking himself. It made sense at the time, I was satisfied. Now I'm not so sure. Good with the bad. Good with the bad.




Last night I won 600 dollars. Last night I enjoyed risotto balls. Last night I drank wine with friends. Last night I steamed vegetables and ate them with tomato sauce. Last night I knew everyone at the bar. Last night I was funny and witty. Last night I couldn't find ice cream when I got home. Last night I found the scalpel at the bottom of the bin and used it to cut my wrist again. This time on the vein. This time it will scare and be noticeable. Why? I don't want to die. I am ruining everything for the people around me. I need to pull myself together. I am so ashamed of myself.


We will just put this one down to me being a drunken mess. No one can find out this time. We all know what happened last time when people found out.




First I was sad and the I was interested when I read that the eyes don't see - the brain sees. The eyes are just receptors, just like our ears, nose and skin, they send messages to the brain and WE interpret the messages. How do I know that what I see is real? I make it all up. I picked up an apple, just stared at it, I know what it will taste like if I eat it, I know what the flesh would look like underneath. I would really appreciate it if things weren't so fucking predictable and fake. It's all fake. We just have to distract ourselves. We are all actors. Shit... so first I was sad then I was interested and now I'm sad again.




M.M xox